The need to breathe.




It’s been so long since I last wrote on my blog. My mind and body have been tired. I’ve needed to rest and do some soul searching over the past couple of years. After my husband had a cardiac arrest, I dealt with insurance, credit card companies and PTSD. I needed some time to breathe.

I made some significant changes in my life. I got off social media, I began listening to people like Brene Brown and David Brooks. I wanted to delve in to more of my behaviors, reactions to situations, friendships and a long standing feeling of aiming for more. What more did I need? What was I missing? How come I wasn’t filled up in my heart?

I found that once I stopped posting on Instagram about my life, I felt like I was living more of my life. I wasn’t taking the photo for the feed, I was taking the photo because I wanted it for me. This is no dig on people who post and enjoy the social media aspect of things, I admire those who can make it work. I just didn’t feel good about it anymore. Cutting it out wasn’t easy. It’s like taking sugar out of your diet! Ugh. But, it was beneficial for my mind and soul.

My friendships. God, I love my girlfriends. I am so fortunate to have life long friends. One of my oldest friends is from when we were 7 years old and swimming together at the YMCA. We have been through some truly gnarly times. Divorce, kids, health scares, etc. We had a time where we didn’t speak, but got back together because we realized we both loved each other and had to grow up and make some changes. It felt so good to make amends and to admit our faults. We now get to watch our kids play, laugh, fight and hug it out.

My other best friend is from college. We met our Junior year and have been friends ever since. She now lives in New York with her 3 kids and we get to fly out and see them this week! We know the deepest, darkest things about each other and can laugh our asses off over just about anything. We cry/laugh on the phone, send text messages, make fun of each other and put each other in check when need be.

I’m one lucky woman to have a handful of friends like this. Women who know me and have supported me for the last 30 years of my life. I’m not interested in the bullshit of small talk with people anymore. I love engaging and getting to know another human, but if you’re putting on a show, posting all your posh clothes/cars/shoes, etc., I’m just not that in to you.

Brene Brown talks about vulnerability. How being vulnerable is a sign of strength, not weakness. I hope to show people my vulnerability (when appropriate) and to learn about theirs. We all have so many damn feelings, shame, grief, desires, yet we don’t share them. What’s the fear? Anytime someone has opened up to me about any of the feelings above, I’ve always felt more connected to them. It makes me want to share more with them. To let them have a glimpse in to my soul.

The last couple of years I have grieved a lot. The fear of my sons heart condition is always right under the surface of my skin. The fact that I had to perform CPR on my husband and medevac him home, not knowing if he would make it. Putting my first dog Lucy to sleep last year and questioning if there’s anything after this life? So many questions. So many thoughts. So many feelings. Today, I’m so grateful for those feelings. I don’t want to push them aside. They’re relevant. They’re what make me who I am.

I’m beyond grateful for my kids, Sirous and Zara. These two blow me away daily. They are strong willed for sure! They are both well traveled, voracious readers and inquisitive. They have a zest for life and it pulls me out of myself at times. They are so optimistic and excited about what’s to come. They’re not jaded by the experiences I’ve had. I look to them to remind me that life is filled with a lot of exciting things. I am reminded of how telling a silly joke can make someone laugh. How a gentle kiss on the cheek can make my kids feel loved and special. My son Sirous asks me about his heart while we are in bed. He wants to know what would happen if they didn’t replace his pulmonary valve? Would he die? I get to be honest, cry and hug him. He in turn hugs me and says, “Mom, I love you too much.” I asked him what that meant. He said, “I love you more than my threshold.”

Barcelona, Spain

I could go on forever, but I’m going to end with this, I love my life. I love my friends. I love my husband, Zara, Sirous, my parents and all the other people who have shown up and not judged our journey.